So Many Weird Things Have Happened Since My Last Post

The Gym's Toilet May or May Not Be a Star Wars Droid

Last week, I joined the gym. I went there for the first time on Friday, but I'm not sure how much of a work-out I got, because I couldn't stop laughing. Because it's very entertaining to see beefy men pumping iron, & when a friend enters the room in the middle of their set, the friend comes over & they smile & kiss (twice), then immediately go back to grimacing & looking tough.

But the thing I like best about the gym is the toilet.

Let me explain. After some time of running the treadmill/chuckling to myself about how short the men's shorts are, I went to the bathroom. When it came time, I realized this toilet didn't have a "flusher" button in its usual spot. So as my eyes scanned around searching for the "flusher,"I was totally unprepared for what was about to happen.

The toilet moved. To be specific, a claw-like, plastic blue arm (very R2D2-like) reached out from the back of the toilet. This arm proceeded to grip the toilet seat & slowly turn it 360 degrees, all the while using some sort of wet brush underneath its palm to clean the seat. When it was done, it released the seat & turned on a light that chipperly said, "Clean!" Then R2D2's claw retreated back into its home in the heart of the toilet.

Wait, WHAT?!!?

This toilet was so bizarrely delightful that I went back & watched its performance 2 more times before I left that night.

Why I Worked Out for 3 Hours (not just because of the toilet)

When I joined the gym, I also signed up to have a personal trainer named Jean-Phillippe. I figured our first meeting together, we'd just to talk about a schedule, maybe discuss some injury history, maybe drink a banana smoothie from the gym's "Health Bar." So I made sure to get in a significant work-out before my meeting with him. Unfortunately, Jean-Phillippe planned on doing some serious cardio & weights that afternoon. I could've just told him sorry, I just ran 3 miles, but (much like that toilet) he seemed so chipper about doing his job that I didn't want to disappoint him. I basically had to log-roll myself home that night.

Overconfidence is Not a Good Thing When You're Skiing for the First Time. Oh, Especially when You're in the Alps.

I went skiing for the first time ever this weekend. My friend Laura had been skiing twice before, so she was able to give me a lesson. The lesson went something like this:

*LAURA: Okay, so when skiing, you want to make an S-pattern in the snow, going back & forth.

So if you want to go to the right, stick out your left leg. And vice versa.

*JESSIE: Okay cool. Wait, I'm stuck in this snow pile. Wait, I'm going backwarrrddssssss Lauraaaa what do I dooooo--

*LAURA: I don't know!!!!!!

The solution to everything seemed to be, "Stick out your leg!" But, aside from falling off the T-Bar lift thing the first time I tried...everything on the Bunny Slopes was going wonderfully. I really wasn't even falling down that much! Sticking out my leg was working great. So after 4-5 times down the Bunny Slope, I suggested we take the chair lift to the top & take the easiest possible trail back down.

A near-fatal mistake.

Well, it turns out that I was nowhere near qualified enough to do this trail. (This should've been obvious to everyone when I accidentally stayed on the ski lift about 7 seconds too long & had to clumsily jump off at what seemed to me a significant height.) This trail was narrow & steep & surrounded by trees. (Keep in mind, for the last week, I've watched my roommate comfort her family because her father hit a tree while skiing & now has significant memory impairment. So I was more than a little apprehensive.)

*JESSIE: Laura, I've changed my mind. I'm nowhere near ready for this. I don't think I can stick my foot out fast enough to take these turns.

*LAURA: You're out of luck, kiddo, this is the only way back down.

My Dear Readers: I tried. I really did. I got through half of the course, inching along, terrified.

Wait, did I mention that I didn't have any gloves?

So I was really cold, too (except during the intervals that Laura let me wear her gloves). And about halfway down the mountain, I encountered a particularly menacing hill. Going down this hill, my skis did something so awkward, bending my legs out at 90 degree angles, & I thought for a split second I'd broken something. I was fine, but it hurt badly enough for me to realize that this was a little insane. So I took off my skis & walked the rest of the way. It took me forever, & when I finally caught up to Laura at the finish line, I felt like a soldier returning from war, with my skis slung them over my soldier like a bayonet.

Suffice it to say, overconfidence is not a good quality when you're skiing in the Alps. All that aside, the Alps is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That's such an understatement. I felt like I'd stepped into a Planet Earth episode. And if it weren't for the fact that my ski boots were 2 sizes too small (because I don't know how to convert European shoe sizes), I could've stood up there forever.

But Wait, Did I Mention that Our Bus Crashed?

Did I Mention our Bus Crashed TWICE?

Because it did। This weekend was a particularly tricky one to be driving through the Alps because it was snowing quite hard & some roads had been blocked off. On the way to the resort, we crashed into a snow bank on the side of the mountain (thus saving our lives but making me spill my lentil soup). A piece of the front bumper broke off & I saw them pick it up & nonchalantly toss it underneath with people's luggage. Then, on the way back down the mountain, while rounding a sharp turn, we hit another snow bank. This time the door half-way broke off, & it was flapping around in the wind. A group of guys had to rig together (with duct tape) a contraption that held the door on. Then we watched a French-dubbed version of Gladiator & everyone forgot about what a terrible driver we had.